


darling, your love is more than worth its weight in gold

by insteadofjust_invisible



Category: SKAM (Spain)
Genre: F/F, Fluff... I hope, Valentine's Day, mentions of BPD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:08:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23661304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insteadofjust_invisible/pseuds/insteadofjust_invisible
Summary: That’s a love Joana never thought she would experience. A love that gives back in a thousand more ways than you initially gave away. A love that takes things minute by minute and makes them all count, en lo bueno, lo malo, e lo puto peor.or Cris and Joana’s first Valentine’s Day together
Relationships: Cris Soto/Joana Bianchi, Cristina "Cris" Soto Peña/Joana Bianchi Acosta
Comments: 6
Kudos: 52





	darling, your love is more than worth its weight in gold

**Author's Note:**

> I started this before Valentine's Day this year but obviously didn't finish it in time, in part because it ended up being much longer than I had originally planned for and in part because I have no self-discipline whatsoever. Also, I think it doesn't need to be said, but by no means I tried to romanticize BPD, the fic just formed itself around the context clues about Crisana during Nora's season (as in, in my interpretation Joana seemed to be struggling a bit with her MI during the season) and anyways, I tried not to focus too much on it and to be as respectful as I could in writing her pov (which hopefully is in character, but I wrote five different Evak versions in the past week or so that I'm starting to have a hard time telling them apart in my mind - and by consequence in my writing).
> 
> (Sorta) written for [Skam week.](https://grvywaren.tumblr.com/post/614308118050045952/one-skam-a-day-keeps-the-quarantine-sadness-away%5D)
> 
> Title from Say You Won’t Let Go by James Arthur

Cris didn’t do Valentine’s Day. She never had, never thought she would do this young either. So when an ad about the date played on TV, while she and Joana were lazing around, she froze on the spot, because she hadn’t realized Valentine’s was so close. Joana, sensing her tensiness, shifted slightly from where she was laying half on the couch, half on top of Cris to be able to look at her girlfriend and ask, “ _che_ , everything alright?”

Cris nodded, brushing it aside as a forgotten assignment she had just remembered about. Joana chuckled and snuggled in close again, reassuming her attention to the show they were half heartedly watching. Cris, on the other hand, gave up on it altogether, mind busy with worry. Surely Joana wouldn’t mind or get mad at her if she didn't plan anything. After all, they weren’t one of those couples to give much importance to big romantic gestures or anything like that, they were much more for the small moments, the casual intimacy and comfort of just being together. Like they were now.

But still. Cris wanted to do something nice for Joana, be it Valentine’s or not, and part of her wanted to take part in this stupid holiday just to rub it in at everyone who thought Joana and her wouldn’t last, or that their love wasn’t real, or that it was less valid than any other hetero couple just because they were both girls. So what if part of her wanted to do it out of spite. That’s why she did most of the things she did anyways, and so far that philosophy of life seemed to be working just fine for her.

The more Cris thought about it, the giddier in prospect she became. Joana kept sending her confused glances, but would just laugh at her and shake her head when Cris would respond on a kiss whenever it happened. 

“You are being weirder than normal, _guapa_.”

“It’s because of a good thing,” Cris replied cheekily, earning a questioning look from Joana in response, eyebrows raised unimpressed, “that you’ll find out about soon.” 

Joana immediately grabbed a pillow to smack at the other girl, who quickly raised herself into a sitting position, hands up to protect herself. As Joana scrambled to sit opposite to her, Cris snatched another pillow and threw it at her girlfriend, a pillow fight soon ensuing. A few minutes later they were both breathless and laughing, spread out on the couch side by side. That was how Joana’s parents found them when they got home. Joana’s mom smiled down at them, asking her daughter to set the table as she had brought them take out for dinner. 

Cris loved days like this, when she would go home with Joana after school (or meet her there if Joana hadn’t gone to school), study for a bit, chill for most of the afternoon, and then eat dinner with her parents before they would head up to bed. The best part was not having to pretend to be just Joana’s friend, like the other girl had to do at her house, not to mention that there the day would always finish earlier too, because Joana rarely stayed the night. Maybe she could plan something akin for Valentine’s. 

The next few days, Cris focused all of her energy into planning for their date. Which, obviously, included asking the girls and her brother what she should do. Amira’s “give her something she will like” was utterly unhelpful. No, no, she would give Joana something she would hate. Dani wasn’t much better, “I don’t know, flowers and chocolates are usually good.” Yeah, that was probably why he was single. Eva’s advice was for a chill night at her house, like she had initially thought, but immediately shut down. As if she could even entertain the idea with her parents. Or… maybe she could ask Joana’s mom if she could plan something at their house. No, she didn’t want to bother them. Maybe they wanted to do something of their own too. Cris knew how much her mom appreciated the occasion and always had a date night with her dad. The grand idea finally came when Cris was out running some errands for her mother the Monday before Valentine's Day, just mere five days away. She was waiting to cross the street when a sign caught her attention. It was for the old theater downtown, where they would be exhibiting reruns of several movies throughout the week, including a rerun of Dangerous Liaisons on Thursday, the day she was planning for their date seeing Nora’s birthday celebration would fall on the actual Valentine’s Day. A smile soon crept up on her face. That would be perfect.

The next day, when Cris saw Joana during lunch, she could barely contain her excitement. Whenever she looked at her girlfriend, she would smile and giggle and be more Viri like than Viri was lately.

“Ehi, Cris, what did you take this morning to be this chirpy at school?” Eva asked, all of the girls immediately erupting into laughter. Amira threw a chip at her to catch her attention, her eyes asking ‘are you ok?’ Cris nodded, trying to convey with her own eyes what was going on, before turning to face Joana, who she could feel was staring at her.

“You are acting a little weird… again,” Joana mentioned, amused. 

“I swear it’s for a good reason! You’ll get to know why in a few days,” she insisted, wrapping an arm around Joana’s own arm and resting her head on her shoulder. Joana placed a small kiss on her hair, humming as if to say ‘if you say so.’

“Awww can the two of you be more adorable??” cooed Viri, she and Nora making hand hearts at them.

When Thursday finally came around, Cris was a fumbling ball of nerves and excitement. In the rare instances where a grand romantic gesture was justified, it was usually Joana behind them, in all her artistic glory, like with the video she made Cris for her birthday. Just one more reason for Cris to want this, their first Valentine together, to be perfect. 

However, perfection is not an exact science and, on Thursday, Joana did not show up at school. When her texts went unanswered, Cris knew; today was not a good day. Her girlfriend had already been more subdued the day before, her usual jokes mostly absent or falling short, a sign Cris had grown to learn meant the world was too quiet, too slow to keep up with Joana’s rapid and loud thoughts. Sometimes, these moods came and went relatively quickly, the girl mostly ok by the next day, but it seemed this was not the case. Cris drew in a breath, turning her phone in her hands as she stared outside the window, part of her still hoping Joana would come in late.

“No answer?” asked Amira, already knowing the answer from her friend’s expression. She took Cris under arm, giving her a side hug. The other girls looked at her in comfort.

“I just… I had everything planned for today, you know?”

“What were you guys doing again?” Eva wanted to know, hopping on to the window sill. 

“They are showing Dangerous Liaisons downtown, so I was going to take her to that.”

“Isn’t that an old movie?”

“It’s not old, Eva!” Viri exclaimed, making everyone else laugh. 

“It’s not new either,” the other girl counterargued, eyes big and shrugging her shoulders like it was an obvious fact. Which, maybe it was, but Cris was quick to explain her choice.

“We did our Literature project on that movie last year, that’s why I chose it.”

“You could always see it from one of your houses, no?” said Nora, as Eva and Viri shaked their heads in agreement.

“I guess…”

“I know it is not as exciting of a surprise as going to the theaters, but the important thing is spending the day with her, right?”

Give it to Amira to be the voice of the reason. Cris was not the only one to think so, as she heard a “Amira has a point” in the background, too lost in her own thoughts to realize who had said it. If she left school during lunch, she could go back home, get her computer, and be at Joana’s house by the time school would be over. Not the Valentine’s date she had planned, but a date nonetheless, a date very much like what they usually did, sprinkled with a small surprise enough to make the day a little bit sweater and, hopefully, a little bit more bearable to Joana.

Cris smiled, and her smile didn’t leave her face for the rest of the day.

Joana had never noticed the cracks on her bedroom ceiling, nor the paint splashes that somehow made their way there, and she had spent a considerable amount of time just laying in bed staring upwards, especially in the last month or so.

The fact that she would soon be finishing her bachillerato was getting to her. Or at least that was what her psychiatrist thought, and she probably was not that far off, it was just…

The problem per se wasn’t that Joana was finishing school and would soon need to move on to university, that she was growing up. The problem was that she had settled, in a way. She had gotten used to her new school, she had a group of friends, she had a fucking girlfriend, she had a routine and she was managing just fine. Last semester she had attended class the most of all semesters since she had been diagnosed. So, growing up was not it, in fact, she was looking forward to growing up and growing old with Cris. She just wanted to do it in an environment she knew, an environment she liked. Like now.

The worst part about days when Joana would get too much into her head was that nothing felt quite real. She would question every single thing and overthink everything to the point where she just dissociated, coming to herself hours if not days later. And then, on days like today, when she knew where her head was headed and tried her best not to go there, well, it was a million times worse, because then she had to face her thoughts and there. was. just. so. much. going. on. inside. her. head. Too many thoughts, thoughts that were too fast and loud and made the world outside seem so plain dull. 

Today was not dull. She knew it in her heart. Today was her first Valentine’s Day with Cris and she knew the girl was planning something for the two of them, having been acting weird for almost a week now. Yet, Joana couldn’t care much. Or, she could, she cared so fucking much, but putting in the effort to show just how much she cared was… dauting. What if she could not express it properly? What if she made too much of a fuss out of it, like that time on Cris' rooftop when she skipped several steps on their relationship by saying ‘I love you’ too soon and almost gave the other girl her necklace, the necklace she never took off. This was just their first Valentine’s. There was another option too, that maybe she would not make enough of a fuss out of it, trying not to let her mind wander too fast, too far, and fail to let Cris know just how much she meant for her… as much as acceptable.

Maybe she was already failing, given she couldn’t muster up the energy to reply to Cris’ texts in the morning. Whenever she had her bad days, she could at least text Cris back, just to ease her girlfriend’s mind and let her know what was going on, if she was welcomed to visit or if Joana needed to be alone for the time being. Today though (why today of all days, for fuck’s sake?), the simple action of texting back was far beyond her capabilities, and, if she was honest, she didn’t know whether she wanted Cris to come over or not.

She loved Cris. No questions asked there. She wanted to grow up and grow old with Cris. Again, no questions asked. She wanted to celebrate this Valentine’s Day with her (and the next, and the next, and the next, and the next infinite ones). No questions asked. But… what if this, the very fact she was having a bad day during fucking Valentine’s Day, was the last straw for Cris? After all, it would just serve to show her that this could and would probably happen in anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, you name it.

With a huff, Joana turned to her side. She wished she could turn her mind off. That would be neat, to have a on-and-off switch to flick with as she pleased. 

Joana woke up to a dark room and a soft, warm weight underneath her head. She suppressed a yawn and blinked her eyes open, using one of her arms to raise herself a bit-

“ _Ai_! Be careful, _guapa_ ,” upon realizing she was using Cris’ tights as support, Joana quickly let go, furrowing back into her girlfriend’s lap and hugging her around the waist.

“Did I ask you to come?” she mumbled, wondering if she was going right back to sleep when Cris started to, or rather, resumed caressing her hair.

“Nope. I told you I had a surprise for you today.”

“I doubt it involved you showing up at my house unannounced.”

“It didn’t until it did.”

At that, Joana shifted to stare at Cris, eyebrows raised and lips pursued. What?

“I had a surprise for you, and this is part of it. Me coming here. Do you want to know what the other part is?”

“Yes…”

“It’s nothing bad, Joana! I’ve been saying it all week long,” and Joana hasn’t been so sure of it all week long. She assumed the surprise had something to do with Valentine’s Day, which probably meant Cris had planned it alone, and, well, her girlfriend could be all over the place sometimes, “can I use your laptop?”

“It’s at my desk,” Joana replied, but made no move to free Cris from her grasp. Laughing, the other girl swatted at her arm, trying to pry them apart, but that only made her hold on tighter.

“You won’t get to see the surprise!”

“Hmm… I get to keep you though, that sounds like a better trade-off.”

“I’m not leaving, I’m just going to your desk.”

In the end, Joana let Cris go, but kept making grabby hands at her, who only laughed at her girlfriend’s antics. Cris grabbed the laptop, a pen drive, popcorn, and bag of candy from her backpack, and settled back in the bed.

“We are watching Dangerous Liaisons. Do you want me to make popcorn?”

Joana just stared after Cris. Why was she acting so normally, like Joana hadn’t spent the entire day in bed, sleeping her thoughts away and ignoring her, like countless times before? Like they didn’t have plans for the day that got completely ruined because of her. Like she could be having fun somewhere else, with other people that are not her.

“What?”

“Why are you acting like everything is normal?” Joana had wanted to scream at Cris, let her know that nothing was normal and she shouldn’t be treating it as such, but her voice barely came out above a tired, resignated whisper.

“Because it is.”

“It is not.”

“Joana, what’s going on?” Cris had turned her body now, facing the other girl fully, but Joana refused to look back at her girlfriend. She spent a few minutes in silence, hands twitching every so slightly, and took a deep breath in before finally facing Cris.

“I SCREW EVERYTHING UP! I told you before, but don’t you see it, we were supposed to be celebrating our first Valentine’s together and I’ve been stuck in bed all day, I haven’t showered, I haven’t eaten, I’m fucking inuti-

“ _Joder_ , Joana, stop. I’ve told you before, you’re not your BPD.”

“But last time we fought you said I can’t use my BPD as an excuse for things I do or don’t do.”

“And I still stand to that. But this isn't you using your BPD as an excuse. Today is not a good day and that is ok. It happens. So we are going to cuddle in bed, watch Dangerous Liaisons, stuff ourselves with candy and popcorn, and then I’m going to give you your gift. I can do that before the movie too, whatever,” Cris reached out to Joana, brushing her hair behind her ears before cupping her face, “let’s take it minute by minute, _vale_?”

Joana nodded, a small smile gracing her lips for the first time that day. Minute by minute. Cris smiled at her brightly, removing her hands from Joana’s face to pick up the popcorn package from the nightstand and show it to her girlfriend, eyebrows wiggling. Joana nodded again and couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped her, which earned her a peck on the cheek from Cris as she got up and walked out of the bedroom.

A few minutes later, both girls were cuddling in bed, Joana tucked into Cris’ side, the laptop in one of their laps, the popcorn bowl in the other, and the bag of candy in between them. Twenty minutes or so into the movie Joana froze up, stuck by the realization: “they were screening this downtown today.”

“They were,” Cris agreed, pressing a kiss onto Joana’s forehead, fingers brushing her arm, “but I much rather watch it here, like this, with you.”

Joana might’ve not fully believed her, but she snuggled in closer, forcing her body to relax, and pressed a kiss in return onto Cris’ shoulder, who laid her head on top of Joana’s.

She didn’t get to see the end of the movie, and woke up a few hours later with Cris still by her side, scrolling idly through her phone. Her girlfriend smiled down at her when she noticed she was awake now, asking if she was up for gifts.

“I have something for you too,” Joana mentioned, moving away from Cris to stretch her body and look for her drawing notebook. At the same time, Cris got up from the bed to fetch something from her backpack for the second time that night, now a square package covered in wrapping paper with little… toads on it?

“Here,” Cris said, handing her the package and sitting down again, “me first.”

Joana carefully unwrapped the gift, not sure on what to expect. They hadn’t talked about gifts in certain terms, just offhanded mentions here and there, not even aimed at Valentine’s Day. To Joana’s surprise, Cris had gifted her… a dark purple sweatshirt? Her confusion was apparent, because her girlfriend immediately explained: “you know that yellow sweatshirt I have that you love how soft it is but hate how bright it is? That’s the same one, in a color you like.”

Oh. That was so sweet and so incredibly thoughtful. Joana did love that yellow sweatshirt and stole it often, despite hating how it clashed with the rest of her mostly dark clothes. She hugged her new favorite sweatshirt close to her chest and gave Cris a thank you kiss. She had never been one to use words too much. In an attempt to divert the attention from her, she pointed towards the discarded wrapping paper. 

“What’s with the toads? I thought we agreed that’s you, not me.”

Cris rolled her eyes before replying, snatching the paper from Joana’s hand and straightening it, “Dani’s idea of a joke. He used it on my Christmas gift after hearing you say it.”

Joana laughed at that. She and Dani had gotten along like a house on fire, much to Cris’ dismay. Most times they hang out all together, they would gang up on Cris and have the time of the day, especially whenever Amira joined them as well, full of stories of all the shenanigans she and Cris got into growing up.

“What about mine?” Cris asked, shaking Joana off her trance. Her girlfriend was looking at her with big eyes and hands raised in front of her in expectation. Opening her notebook, Joana fetched the drawing of the two of them she had finished a few days prior and carefully placed it into Cris’ waiting hands.

“Not as _guapa_ as the real thing, but I think it comes close enough, uh?”

Cris examined the drawing slowly, detail by detail, a soft smile on her lips. She had always appreciated Joana’s art with her whole heart, but something was different tonight, her movements more mindful, more grateful.

“This is the first drawing of the two of us together that you make me,” she said, placing the drawing on Joana’s nightstand and grabbing her girlfriend by the hem of her t-shirt to bring her in for a kiss, a kiss that started a little bit too rough with the sudden contact for Joana but that soon settled into a slow and steady rhythm as both girls found their pace. Cris’ hands remained at Joana’s waist, but the other girl’s hands roamed through Cris’ hair, her neck, her shoulders, up and down her arms until they finally made their way back to her neck. Lacking words, Cris and Joana poured all of their gratefulness and love for each other into their kisses, having to take more and more breaks in between them as they couldn’t refrain from smiling into them, short, bubbly laughs escaping through.

Cris stayed over at Joana’s that night, the two huddled in close under the blankets, their heads sharing a single pillow. They fell asleep to gentle words and barely there kisses being exchanged between them, small nothings that helped lure them into the dreaming world. 

Joana didn’t get to see the end of the movie, nor did she get to see how excitedly Cris gushed over their Valentine’s date to the girls the next morning. There were so many things she didn’t get to see, like how floaty Cris would get whenever she was supposed to be paying attention to class, not just on Friday, but ever since they had gotten together, too lost on her own mind, daydreaming about them, their past, present, and future together, or how her mother became more and more suspicious that her daughter had a boyfriend given her lack of annoyance at being asked to help with chores after school.

But that’s love. To trust without seeing, to believe in your partner and their love for you as much as you believe in your love for them. To take a leap of faith, jumping farther than you’ve ever jumped, and to be rewarded with the unexpected that is somehow (im)perfectly made for you. Not that Cris is perfect. Far from it, actually. She is impatient, and stubborn, and abrasive, but she is also dedicated, and caring, and a beam of sunshine on Joana’s darker days. And those are the parts that matter the most, the parts that are utterly supportive, be it of her instagram account about BPD or her endeavors at trying to find a job as an artist, the parts that plan and replan for a Valentine's Day filled with reminiscing of the early stages of their relationship.

That’s a love Joana never thought she would experience. A love that gives back in a thousand more ways than you initially gave away. A love that takes things minute by minute and makes them all count, _en lo bueno, lo malo, e lo puto peor._

She couldn’t be more glad she gets to experience it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Come say hi to me on my [tumblr!](http://aspeckof-stardust.tumblr.com/%5D)


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